We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Meltdowner (Nerdist Stand Up Open Mic, February 20)

from Executive Decision by Executive Producer

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Purchasable with gift card

     

lyrics

So I know it doesn’t look like I’m as bad as the guy in the wheelchair, but, you’ll see.
I have cancer. I know I’m not the first one to start a set like that, but…
Actually, we all kinda have cancer. There’s like little cancer cells in all of us, so it’s like, you guys have cancer, I have cancer.
But I have real cancer as well.
It’s like a tumour, it’s in my stomach, it’s pretty big. Yeah, it’s big enough. Yeah, so I was at the doctor the other day - I gotta get surgery next week, so I was at the doctor to sign consent forms for everything that they’re allowed to do. He put the first one in front of me, he said “Okay, this one says we’re allowed to take the tumour out of your body," and I said, “That’s fantastic.” Let’s do it.
And he was like, “Okay, the next one says we’re can take your stomach too,” and I was like, “Okay… my whole stomach?” and he goes, “Yeah yeah.”
"Alright, well you guys must know better than I do, I assume you’ll figure out some way that I can take a shit at some point, so yeah, alright, sounds good.”
And he goes, “So this next one is called a whipple.”
“A whipple? That sounds great. Really light.”
“That means we can take anything else we want, any other organs in your body, depending where the tumour is.”
“Alright, sounded good at the beginning, getting a little worse now, but whatever, do what you gotta do. Cut me up, and we’ll see what happens with that.”
Yeah, so I’ve had cancer for about a year, I’ve been on chemo, and the doctor said I might lose my hair, but as you can tell, I wasn’t really too concerned about that. So that’s fine, as of right now it’s okay.
What else happened?
A lot of people, a lot of my friends don’t really know how to relate, how to bring it up and stuff, even though they’re curious. Some people are like, “Oh, yeah, I heard you’re feeling a little under the weather lately.”
“Yeah, it’s raining tumours, that’s how it is.”
Other people keep telling me how brave I am, which is nice. I’ve been non-confrontational my whole life, I’ve been running away from fights, and suddenly I’m brave, for some reason.
So, there’s something else about being brave.
Yeah, I even got strangers to shave their head for me, so this whole bravery thing is working out for me so far.
There’s also some good parts about having cancer you guys might not know about.
I get to play the cancer card, so other people can do things for me. I’ll be sitting down with my buddy, and be like, “Hey man, can you get me a beer?” He goes, “Get your own beer.”
“I dunno, man, the cancer’s acting up again. You better get me that beer."
A lot of people also have their own cures for the cancer. A lot of people who have no medical experience.
My neighbour is a pothead and he really thinks that marijuana is a cure for any type of cancer.
He’s like, “Come on man, you gotta smoke.”
“If weed could get rid of cancer it never would've shown up in the first place.”
Another good thing, is I get this cane. People think I’m like distinguished.
Okay, I gotta go now. The bit about the cane, it’s pretty good but I forget it right now. So I’ll just say it’s my first time on stage, I figured if I didn’t do it now, maybe I never would.
Okay, thanks guys.

credits

from Executive Decision, released February 28, 2017

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Executive Producer St. John'S, Newfoundland and Labrador

The side projections of a kalopsia sufferer.

contact / help

Contact Executive Producer

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this track or account

If you like Executive Producer, you may also like: