When I die, are you gonna bury me Is a suit and tie how you want to remember me Will you fly home for my funeral Will everyone say “Fuck cancer” Will they say it anyway When I’m dead, will you have a drink for me Will you ever think of me again Will you only remember the good times Will you wonder if I coulda been someone great Only if I die young Will my words have more meaning Only if I die young When I’m gone, will the paper say how everyone loved me Did everyone love me Will anyone have the nerve to say I deserved it Who will pretend we were closer than we actually were When I die, are you gonna let me burn Scatter me in Placentia Bay when it’s my turn Will you set up a grant in my name Will I get my own memorial hashtag Only if I die young You can shoot me out of a cannon You can send your thoughts and prayers to someone else You can cut me up and serve me with Sunday dinner It doesn’t matter what you do with me Cause I’ll be dead

I’m your friend, you might need me, but I have no idea what to do I lie in bed and hope that you're alright but we both know that’s not enough You are a friend of mine Like a candlelight, you shine in my darkness You are like a drink of water In the desert, when I am dry I’m locked in here I’m locked in here Don’t forget about me I’m locked in here I only need one way out I don’t think I’m cut out for this life Can I have another one? I don’t think I’m cut out for this life Can I have another one? I don’t think I’m cut out for this life Can I have another one? I don’t think I’m cut out for this life You, you saved me Like a fish in a net, I was caught, you let me go You are a friend of mine Are a friend of mine, of mine I hope that you're okay I hope you're gonna be okay I hope that you're okay But I know you're not I spend my life waiting for things to change I spend my days alone It has happened like this before But I still think I am drowning You say you need me You forgave me You were the only one Just leave me with one way out I'll find it Just leave me alone I've got a feeling it's gonna be okay I've got a feeling we're gonna be okay I've got a funny feeling we're gonna be okay

I’m a Pisces and I don’t have an answer Why I’m bad at catching fish but pretty good at gettin’ cancer Maybe if I was conceived in October I’d be a fisherman for a living and be free of sarcoma This is pure butts Everything going on right now is pretty nuts Say hi to my gastrointestinal stromal tumour She’s real as hell, Hazel’s no rumour I’ll play the cancer card whenever I need to To get out of boring social gatherings

Hey neighbour I’d like to meet you I see you walking around your house I feel like I know you Neighbour Maybe we should be friends I’ll bring over some chips We can put on the local sports game But really I don’t want friends based on proxmity I choose them based on shared interests Like hatred for other people But I’d still like to Meet you (just once) Every now and then we lock eyes (through the window) But one of us turns away With nothing real to say except Hey neighbour

G C D G Hey hey hey, she’s almost done Em C Bm C ’Twas’a good day, ya knows we had ourselves some fun G C Bm C I went to CONA and you went to MUN G C G Em D G But still we knows yer comin' home wit' me G C D G We left the bar, headed back to mine Em C Bm C Even under the ugly lights, you still looked fine G C Bm C Thanks be to Jesus, I saved a couple lines G C G Em D G 'Cause dere was no more beer left G C D G We had a laugh up in me room Em C Bm C But ye gotta go now, I starts work soon G C Bm C Ye caught me, I don’t have no job to do G C G Em D G But the missus is gettin’ back da morrow G C D G Shit, she’s back early, I hears her on the stairs Em C Bm C Quick, get in the closet and shut up me dear G C Bm C Fuck by, will ya give it up with them tears G C G Em D G Wha' d'you expect, we met at Trapper’s.

So I know it doesn’t look like I’m as bad as the guy in the wheelchair, but, you’ll see. I have cancer. I know I’m not the first one to start a set like that, but… Actually, we all kinda have cancer. There’s like little cancer cells in all of us, so it’s like, you guys have cancer, I have cancer. But I have real cancer as well. It’s like a tumour, it’s in my stomach, it’s pretty big. Yeah, it’s big enough. Yeah, so I was at the doctor the other day - I gotta get surgery next week, so I was at the doctor to sign consent forms for everything that they’re allowed to do. He put the first one in front of me, he said “Okay, this one says we’re allowed to take the tumour out of your body," and I said, “That’s fantastic.” Let’s do it. And he was like, “Okay, the next one says we’re can take your stomach too,” and I was like, “Okay… my whole stomach?” and he goes, “Yeah yeah.” "Alright, well you guys must know better than I do, I assume you’ll figure out some way that I can take a shit at some point, so yeah, alright, sounds good.” And he goes, “So this next one is called a whipple.” “A whipple? That sounds great. Really light.” “That means we can take anything else we want, any other organs in your body, depending where the tumour is.” “Alright, sounded good at the beginning, getting a little worse now, but whatever, do what you gotta do. Cut me up, and we’ll see what happens with that.” Yeah, so I’ve had cancer for about a year, I’ve been on chemo, and the doctor said I might lose my hair, but as you can tell, I wasn’t really too concerned about that. So that’s fine, as of right now it’s okay. What else happened? A lot of people, a lot of my friends don’t really know how to relate, how to bring it up and stuff, even though they’re curious. Some people are like, “Oh, yeah, I heard you’re feeling a little under the weather lately.” “Yeah, it’s raining tumours, that’s how it is.” Other people keep telling me how brave I am, which is nice. I’ve been non-confrontational my whole life, I’ve been running away from fights, and suddenly I’m brave, for some reason. So, there’s something else about being brave. Yeah, I even got strangers to shave their head for me, so this whole bravery thing is working out for me so far. There’s also some good parts about having cancer you guys might not know about. I get to play the cancer card, so other people can do things for me. I’ll be sitting down with my buddy, and be like, “Hey man, can you get me a beer?” He goes, “Get your own beer.” “I dunno, man, the cancer’s acting up again. You better get me that beer." A lot of people also have their own cures for the cancer. A lot of people who have no medical experience. My neighbour is a pothead and he really thinks that marijuana is a cure for any type of cancer. He’s like, “Come on man, you gotta smoke.” “If weed could get rid of cancer it never would've shown up in the first place.” Another good thing, is I get this cane. People think I’m like distinguished. Okay, I gotta go now. The bit about the cane, it’s pretty good but I forget it right now. So I’ll just say it’s my first time on stage, I figured if I didn’t do it now, maybe I never would. Okay, thanks guys.